When I first suspected something might be "wrong" with me, I went to see my doctor and was put on my very first SSRI: Zoloft. Which worked for a while, and then I completely felt numb. That wouldn't do, I need to feel things. It's vital. So then there was Lexapro for a while but then I started having panic attacks. Let's try Effexor.
I found out pretty quickly that I have no tolerance for SNRI's which are similar to anti-depressants but also affect how your brain processes norepinephrine in addition to the Serotonin. I went on Effexor in July of 2006. It didn't seem to do much for my budding anxiety disorder. Give it time, we said. Then I ruined my parents' 25th anniversary party.
Ok, maybe I didn't ruin the entire party. But my panic disorder, with which I would soon be diagnosed, took over that night and I have felt regret for that night for years now.
The evening had been lovely. Mom and Dad renewed their vows at their church with their favorite priest. A reception was planned at the country club where most of our big events took place. It seemed like it was going to be a great evening. Great friends, great food, and celebrating the two people I love and admire most in this world. Then we sat down to dinner.
Since I didn't yet understand what my triggers were, I had no idea how to cope with them. I sat at a large, round table with my siblings and one of my best friends, Whitney. Somewhere in the conversation, it started. The knot under my ribcage that spreads and becomes a cold, burning sensation all over my body. Yes, cold and burning. I realize how that sounds, but it's the best way to describe how it feels. My entire body was tingling, I could even feel it inside my nose. It's like I wasn't even there for a moment.
Then, I realized my sister was telling a story. I tried to focus. She was talking about a stand up comedy routine she'd seen on YouTube. It was a funny story. But I just stared ahead. She would later tell me she knew something was wrong at that moment.
Strange things happen when I have a panic attack. Besides the tingling and the out of body feeling, it's like my brain stops working. I can't think of the simplest things. And the worst is when it upsets my stomach. I excused myself to the ladies room to try and shake it off. Deep breathing. Be present. Focus. This night is important.
It didn't work. Must escape, need to leave. At least for a little while. What can I do? I pulled my mom aside and I remember telling her I needed to run home and get my glasses, which I'd chosen not to wear that night. But I was getting a headache and dizzy from not wearing them. Yes, having my glasses on would help this stop. I took a Xanax, the smallest dose possible. At the time, I expected that to work. It didn't occur to me that I could take another of such a small dose and possibly stop the panic attack that wouldn't end.
Whitney and I decided to run to my house and get away for a few minutes. Then, there was a CD that we had to go get. My parents didn't have their song to dance to! We went to Target and I found a Barry Manilow CD that contained the song. By the time we did that and went to my house, we'd been gone over an hour. I missed them cutting the cake. I missed so much. My older brother was convinced I'd just run off with my friend, and blown off the party. My family was worried about me. This was extremely out of character.
The evening wasn't a total loss, but I will never forget what I missed that night. Nor will I forget the stress I put on my family members who were either pissed or worried that I took off. I don't blame them. They didn't know. How could they? I barely did. I didn't know how to cope so I did the one thing that I knew to do. I escaped.
I at least was able to make a short speech as we (my siblings and I) presented my parents with their anniversary gift. I don't remember the speech in entirety, especially since it was off the cuff. But I do remember telling them that I was lucky enough to have not only parents, but friends, who were there for me no matter what. This couldn't be more true.
Later that evening I remember sitting outside with my sisters and my brother in law, talking about what had happened. It helped to talk about it. But all in all, I'd say I was in panic mode for about an hour, and recovering for a while after that. I was exhausted.
That night was one of my top 5 worst panic attacks, which is why I am sharing it now. I was utterly agoraphobic. I am not sure what triggered my panic that night I guess the lesson in this was don't be afraid to talk about it. Take away it's power. Fight the instinct to flee. Don't let agoraphobia win.
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