It's beyond time for me to resurrect this thing. A while back, I decided to rename the blog and I also changed the url... I wanted to feel like I could write about anything, not just the mental health stuff, though that piece of my life is still very important and I plan to continue to talk about it. Once in a while, though, there are other things that I think are important to discuss. I wanted to have a place to talk about those things as well.
However, today I actually do want to talk about the mental health stuff. Once in a while, I am reminded that sharing my story can make a difference. I frequently find myself thinking that my story isn't so bad, that other people have it worse. I don't know why I think that way. I have a tendency to be harder on myself than I have any business being. My negative self-talk tendencies are the biggest things that still hold me back, emotionally. I'm working on it though. I think I'll always have things I want to work on. Figuring out why I feel the way I feel is often what leads me to grow. So while it isn't always easy to get through, change and fighting against my natural mental tendencies are vital to keeping myself put together.
That leads me into the current state of things. I've been on Celexa for several years now. It is the best of the serotonin based drugs that I've experienced so far. Recently, though, I've had a couple of doctors tell me that my dose was higher than the revised recommendations from the FDA, because of abnormal heart rhythms in people on higher doses of Celexa... nothing to mess around with. So, I was going to try a new drug on the market, but there are other drugs my insurer wants me to try first (because Brintellix is hundreds of dollars for 30 days.... I won't get started on pharmaceutical costs...). Anyway, since I'd never been on Wellbutrin, I had to give it a shot to see if it would work. So now I'm taking a lower dose of Celexa with Wellbutrin AND Buspar as boosters. I mean, honestly. How many chemicals does it take for my brain to act right?! Ugh.
I'm on week 4 now, and so far it's not quite taking care of all of my symptoms. I feel a lot of what the professionals like to call "breakthrough symptoms" which basically means you still feel anxious and/or depressed even though you are taking meds for it. In this particular situation, I'm feeling a lack of motivation and a loss of energy. This is the stuff that makes depression so debilitating.
It's not as intense as it has been at other times, which is good, but it's still there. Telling me to go take a nap on Saturday afternoon after sleeping ten hours on Friday night. My body isn't tired. My body is rested. My brain is telling it to sleep. It's not so easy to distinguish the two in the moment, though. It's not just about being sad. It's not a bad day, or a bad mood. It's inexplicable heaviness. Excessive sleepiness, even though you slept nine hours last night. It's the feeling that it doesn't matter, because you'll never really be happy anyway. These are all messages my mis-wired brain sends me. I feel less equipped to deal with depression because it's usually my secondary condition. I have battled anxiety much more often and more intensely over the 10 years that I have been working through mental health challenges. My anxiety is about 85% controlled right now, which is pretty good. Maybe even 90% on a good day. Just little breakthrough moments here and there. This depression stuff is rearing it's ugly head lately.
Something that I have heard for years and that I know to be true is the positive effect of exercise on the depressed/anxious mind. I'm terrible about exercise. I don't like doing it and I'm great at making excuses not to. Recently, a friend encouraged me to rejoin the gym. I was hesitant because I've been through this cycle before. It starts out great, then I'm stuck in a contract and paying for a gym I don't use. One would think the money aspect would motivate me to go, but so many times that has not been the case. Luckily, I was able to get in on an affordable month-to-month membership. I have only been a few times in the last couple of weeks since joining. What I have been doing, however, is pushing myself to use the nice treadmill I bought a year ago when I opt not to go to the gym. I don't go crazy, I'm going at a pretty slow pace, but it's exercise. It's movement. It's more than I'd be doing on the couch. And it does help. The people who really know me know that it must be true if I'm saying something positive about exercise ;) Seriously, though. Give it a shot if you don't already.
I'm working on pushing myself to move a little extra on most days. As it becomes routine, I'll push a little harder, be able to do a little more. I just have to keep trying. I think I've started to really doubt that I will ever truly feel great all of the time, but I try to believe it's still possible because depression sucks and it keeps me from living my life, so I keep fighting and trying new drugs and keep going to therapy. It's worth the fight to me. It's so easy to get discouraged, believe me, I know.
This is going to sound cliche, but it's really quite important to remind those of us fighting against mental disorders. If you are struggling, please remember you are not alone. It will get better, and it may get worse again too. Do not give up. Try a new med until you feel better. Don't settle for the first thing you try if it's not enough to let you be yourself again. Try therapy, keep trying until you find someone who helps you. Try online support groups, whatever it takes. Just don't stop fighting.
