from 2013

Here is a post from a private journal that I wrote in 2013. Thought it was worth sharing.

I think if you have found someone to spend your life with, someone you love and can truly see forever with, you should celebrate that, every day. Life gets hard. Relationships get hard. People make mistakes, even when they love someone so much it hurts, and those mistakes can't be taken back. But they can be forgiven. Sometimes we pick the wrong people, and we want to believe in it, and it's not real. But once in a while, this miracle happens and a person finds that other person who just completes them. Does that mean they don't bicker or argue or disagree? Absolutely not. But it means they have an invaluable gift.

To have someone that is on your side, and will love you no matter how your body changes or your ideas change over the years. Someone that will help you wade through those changes, and find yourself time and again. To have someone to return that same love to. So many people take that for granted. So many people call it love when maybe it's just convenience. I don't know, I've been alone for a long time, and I truly don't know much. But what I do know, is this:

If you have found that person, you should dance with them every day if you can. Three minutes out of your day to just appreciate one another and be near each other, without worrying about finances, the economy, jobs, family, politics, etc.

It doesn't matter what song it is. Maybe it's "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds or "Through the Years" by Barry Manilow. Maybe it's a song no one has ever heard of. Maybe it's a song that everyone has heard of. It doesn't matter. We only have one shot at this life, and if you have someone to share your days with, someone you're truly connected to - you are blessed. So, dance in the kitchen while dinner is cooking. You never know if it's your last chance. Celebrate today.

If you have your penguin, you know. Go dance. And if you haven't found that person, or maybe found them and have lost them in some way, dance with them in your heart. Love is the best thing we have.

Who knows, maybe I'm just an idealistic romantic. I can't help it. I have the greatest example. My parents have been together for 30 years, and created this wonderful chaos that I call family. And I'm grateful and joyous and I know that no matter what happens, no matter who comes and goes, this family will always be there. And it was built from the love of two people. Two people that have seen each other through difficult emotional situations, life changes and struggles, loss, and disappointments and still support each other.

How could I possibly settle for anything less?

being brave and looking back

I haven't posted since my Harper post. It's amazing the impact one little girl had on the world, but even more amazing the impact she had on me. And I never even met her. I mentioned previously that Harper's anthem was "Brave" by Sara Bareilles. Sara is my favorite artist, hands down and that song has meant a lot to me since the first time I heard it. It holds so much more meaning now, and every time i hear it, I think of Harper and how brave she was. How much her memory is helping the fight against childhood cancer. And I think to myself, "if Harper could be brave, so can I." Whenever I struggle with bouts of anxiety, depression, med imbalance, etc. I try to remember that while there is no miracle cure, it's worth continuing to fight. Especially when I stop to realize where I was 6 years ago.

Actually, it was bravery that drove me to start this blog in the first place. I haven't kept up with it as much as I hoped to. That seems to be a general trend for me with writing. Especially when I do my best thinking before falling asleep. I always forget what I was going to write about (you writers out there know what I'm talking about).

I went to my 10 year college reunion this weekend and saw several of the people I spent most of those 4 years with. I had a lot more fun than I expected, and it was really good to reminisce and also hear about what people are up to now. Since Saturday night, I've been looking back a lot. Mostly, I've been vacillating between regrets and laughing hysterically about things that happened. I've been thinking about chances I never took, decisions I wish I hadn't made, and how I wasn't always the best person I could be to those who really mattered to me. I have also been remembering the beauty of having the college family I did. Those dorm days really take me back, especially having lived alone for so long. I have been looking back at my "blog" (live journal) that i kept back then. It's pretty cringe-worthy, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad to have it.

As I've been going through this roller coaster of emotion over the last couple of days, I've wondered why I am dwelling on the past, and why I can't just put things out of my mind. So many people out there seem to be able to compartmentalize (is that really a verb?) and leave the past in the past. I have never been able to do that. Of course, over time I have come to terms with the bad times and learned to appreciate them; but I never forget. And sometimes the thoughts are so present that I can't concentrate. I get pretty frustrated with it.

Then, I remembered that rapid and lingering thought processes are a big feature of OCD. I am lucky, as I don't have severe compulsions. I don't have severe anything when it comes to OCD and I am grateful for that. I've only had to deal with a few features of the disorder, and it's more an annoyance than anything. Sometimes, I do wish my brain would just stop for a minute, it can be emotionally intense when memories like that come back.

Back to my goal here. Telling stories about mental illness, and breaking the stigma. So, I've been meaning to blog for a while about mental health terminology. I frequently hear things that get under my skin. I thought I would share some of my thoughts... what are yours?

It is an extremely common misconception that Schizophrenia is the same as Dissociate Identity Disorder (previous identified at Multiple Personality Disorder). These are in no way the same disorder. Info from nami.org: http://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions

• Schizophrenia - symptoms include hallucinations (hearing voices, seeing things that are not there), delusions (false beliefs that remain unchanged in the face of facts or new ideas), emotional flatness or disconnectedness, poor memory, disorganized thoughts
• DID - dissociation refers to an involuntary escape from reality. for persons with DID, dissociation occurs between two or more alternative identities.

I think it is important to know the right terminology. Part of breaking the stigma is education. I see so many comments on the Internet about being "so OCD" or "so bipolar right now" - similarly I see people refer to themselves as "schizo" because they have contradictory personality traits or preferences. Frankly, it is irresponsible to the people who suffer every day from these disorders.

Know your terminology if you are going to use it. And don't refer to a person as their mental disorders - like "She is so OCD" or "She is bipolar" ... people are more than the chemicals that may or may not be imbalanced. It's considered appropriate (and respectful) to refer to someone as having a disorder "she has bipolar" or "he has OCD" 

There is your education for today. I encourage everyone to read stories on websites on nami.org and become more familiar with these disorders. It might not be something that affects your every day life, but chances are extremely high that it has or does affect someone you love. Mental Illness is very prevalent.

I want to see you be Brave

Today I'm taking a brief break from my normal posts (for which I know I am long overdue) and share a story that, despite its ending, fills me with hope and love.

A few years ago, when I began this blog, I intended to make an impact. To share my story in the hopes that at least one person would read it and see mental illness differently. That they would see a person who is outwardly successful and has built a life, although imperfect, for herself. To remind people that mental illness is everywhere, a day to day battle; and we need to stop treating it like a personal choice. To break the stigma in any way I can.

I chose this topic because it’s what I know. There are so many other issues that we need to break the stigma on… equality, for one. I’m hugely supportive (an ally, if you will) of the fight for equality, especially in marriage. I support it, but I have never been in that position. So I read others’ stories and do what I can to break the stigma.

Sometimes, though, things happen that aren’t because of hate, stigma, or mis-education. Things happen because they just happen.


Last Tuesday morning, December 30, 2014, Harper Alanna Wehneman moved on from her battle to, as many say, her forever home. She had battled cancer for 19 months, after being diagnosed with a Wilms' Tumor in May of 2013.

I didn’t actually know Harper. I work with her father, and remotely at that. But for the last 19 months, my family and I have followed Harper’s story, and have been so in awe of her strength and bravery. I know from her mother’s posts on her Caring Bridge site that there were so many things that Harper went through … allergic reactions to treatment meds, a severe fear of needles, and many infections throughout the process -- not to mention countless surgeries, procedures, and scans.


In June 2014, Harper was NED… No Evidence of Disease. There was a party. There was a celebration. Harper sang for everyone... "I want to see you be Brave"

Then, after her three-month scans, that ended, and a new fight began. A fierce fight. A brave fight.

Brave, by Sara Bareilles, became an anthem for Harper. You can read all about that here on her father Brian's blog. In fact, I encourage you to read Brian’s posts going back to May 2013. Read Harper’s journey. It may change you.

It has changed me. Today, in full support of Harper, we choose joy. We bravely choose joy. For Harper and all her family, we choose joy in the midst of sadness. Through the inevitable tears, we choose to remember her smile.

I share this today because Harper’s story has moved me. I want to do something about this monster, especially when it’s hitting kids. Harper didn’t get to live. There are a lot of things she won’t get to do on this Earth. While I believe that she will experience eternal beauty and peace, there are many of us left behind that will miss all she brought to this world. And many of us have the opportunity to do the things she won't.

So, today, push yourself. Not everyone has the option to choose joy at will. Those suffering from depression. Debilitating anxiety, or more severe mental disorders like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder… they are not always in control of their emotions. Some people don’t believe that, which is why we need to break the stigma and educate everyone we know.

But if you can, Choose Joy.

Let your words be anything but empty...
Say what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly...

I WANT TO SEE YOU BE BRAVE.

Be Brave. Channel your inner Harper. Shine on.