being brave and looking back

I haven't posted since my Harper post. It's amazing the impact one little girl had on the world, but even more amazing the impact she had on me. And I never even met her. I mentioned previously that Harper's anthem was "Brave" by Sara Bareilles. Sara is my favorite artist, hands down and that song has meant a lot to me since the first time I heard it. It holds so much more meaning now, and every time i hear it, I think of Harper and how brave she was. How much her memory is helping the fight against childhood cancer. And I think to myself, "if Harper could be brave, so can I." Whenever I struggle with bouts of anxiety, depression, med imbalance, etc. I try to remember that while there is no miracle cure, it's worth continuing to fight. Especially when I stop to realize where I was 6 years ago.

Actually, it was bravery that drove me to start this blog in the first place. I haven't kept up with it as much as I hoped to. That seems to be a general trend for me with writing. Especially when I do my best thinking before falling asleep. I always forget what I was going to write about (you writers out there know what I'm talking about).

I went to my 10 year college reunion this weekend and saw several of the people I spent most of those 4 years with. I had a lot more fun than I expected, and it was really good to reminisce and also hear about what people are up to now. Since Saturday night, I've been looking back a lot. Mostly, I've been vacillating between regrets and laughing hysterically about things that happened. I've been thinking about chances I never took, decisions I wish I hadn't made, and how I wasn't always the best person I could be to those who really mattered to me. I have also been remembering the beauty of having the college family I did. Those dorm days really take me back, especially having lived alone for so long. I have been looking back at my "blog" (live journal) that i kept back then. It's pretty cringe-worthy, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad to have it.

As I've been going through this roller coaster of emotion over the last couple of days, I've wondered why I am dwelling on the past, and why I can't just put things out of my mind. So many people out there seem to be able to compartmentalize (is that really a verb?) and leave the past in the past. I have never been able to do that. Of course, over time I have come to terms with the bad times and learned to appreciate them; but I never forget. And sometimes the thoughts are so present that I can't concentrate. I get pretty frustrated with it.

Then, I remembered that rapid and lingering thought processes are a big feature of OCD. I am lucky, as I don't have severe compulsions. I don't have severe anything when it comes to OCD and I am grateful for that. I've only had to deal with a few features of the disorder, and it's more an annoyance than anything. Sometimes, I do wish my brain would just stop for a minute, it can be emotionally intense when memories like that come back.

Back to my goal here. Telling stories about mental illness, and breaking the stigma. So, I've been meaning to blog for a while about mental health terminology. I frequently hear things that get under my skin. I thought I would share some of my thoughts... what are yours?

It is an extremely common misconception that Schizophrenia is the same as Dissociate Identity Disorder (previous identified at Multiple Personality Disorder). These are in no way the same disorder. Info from nami.org: http://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions

• Schizophrenia - symptoms include hallucinations (hearing voices, seeing things that are not there), delusions (false beliefs that remain unchanged in the face of facts or new ideas), emotional flatness or disconnectedness, poor memory, disorganized thoughts
• DID - dissociation refers to an involuntary escape from reality. for persons with DID, dissociation occurs between two or more alternative identities.

I think it is important to know the right terminology. Part of breaking the stigma is education. I see so many comments on the Internet about being "so OCD" or "so bipolar right now" - similarly I see people refer to themselves as "schizo" because they have contradictory personality traits or preferences. Frankly, it is irresponsible to the people who suffer every day from these disorders.

Know your terminology if you are going to use it. And don't refer to a person as their mental disorders - like "She is so OCD" or "She is bipolar" ... people are more than the chemicals that may or may not be imbalanced. It's considered appropriate (and respectful) to refer to someone as having a disorder "she has bipolar" or "he has OCD" 

There is your education for today. I encourage everyone to read stories on websites on nami.org and become more familiar with these disorders. It might not be something that affects your every day life, but chances are extremely high that it has or does affect someone you love. Mental Illness is very prevalent.