So it's been a year since Lamictal came into my life... or my bloodstream. It has absolutely made a world of difference. This past Christmas, naturally, I feared a repeat of 2012. As winter descended, I did feel down, lower on energy... but the worst way I could describe it was lazy. Not incapable. It was a relief. I could lift my arms and actually do things (this sounds dramatic, but it isn't). I could stand sound around me.
Yet, I was on edge for months. Is it going to happen again? Anytime a "relapse" or even an isolated event occurs, I wonder.. but that's just the fear talking. It's a fear of the past. But I can't change that. All I can do is embrace the present in hopes that it will be different.
I know I've got this now. I know who to call if I'm struggling. I know my safe places and safe people. I know it's okay to have a mental disorder now. It just is what it is. I am not secretive about it, but I don't run around screaming "I HAVE ANXIETY DISORDER, DEPRESSION AND OCD!!!" all the time either. That is not necessary.
That is not what breaking the stigma is about. It's about allowing the struggle (and triumph over) mental disorders and mental illness to be just as important as any other struggle. Any other triumph. Those of us that overcome it (which is a blessing some haven't yet found) and learn to live with it every day.... that's fucking TRIUMPH. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. So the meds might make you feel a little less than yourself. Keep trying until you find the right one. Or the best one. Or maybe you don't need them at all after a while. It's different for every single one of us, and that's what is important to remember. Do not compare yourself to others. We all have our own journeys.
Life is worth living, even when it's terrifying. Even when it breaks you down, and the people in it let you down. But they are fighting their own struggles, and it might not feel okay, but it is. But it's also okay to walk away.
In short, become your own advocate. Stand up for you. Do what's right for you. Take control of your health - be it mental or physical.
If it's meds, fight until you find what's right.
If it's toxic people, let them go.
And by the way, the people that let you back in after you disappear? They are the keepers. For those in my life, you know who you are.
Until next time, loves. Keep fighting.
#breakthestigma
#iwannaseeyoubebrave
Monday, April 7, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
I've had enough.
It's been a long time. A really long time. I'm sorry to have left you, mostly because this mission is important. It's vital. This stigma is still too strong. Frankly, I'm tired of it.
If you have heard of agoraphobia but don't really know what it is, you might define it as a person who never leaves the house. Which, in many cases, is true. But not all who don't leave the house are agoraphobic. And not all agoraphobics are house-bound.
I was just discussing exactly that. Suppose you had never met me. Suppose you knew limited details about me. I share with you that I'm a "recovering agoraphobic" (because, let's be honest, I'm proudly kicking it's ass 97% of the time), you may immediately assume that I'm afraid to leave the house and that I can't function without help. If you have very limited knowledge you might think I'm afraid of open spaces and big crowds (the crowd thing is partially true, but by no means one of my top symptoms or characteristics).
You would be wrong. I recently finished the memoir of a woman who suffered from agoraphobia and severe panic disorder. She is now a successful comedienne and, if I remember nothing else about this book, it will be that it's hilarious. As she begins her story, she explains agoraphobia by breaking down the actual etymology of the word agoraphobia. Greek for agora (marketplace) and phobia (fear). And then she breaks it down, for real.
This simple little line, after inciting a laugh, really resonated with me. I am really not afraid of the mall. Even at the height of my struggle, I wasn't afraid of the mall. I love shopping. Just so long as I drive my own car there and can leave when I want to (note: I've come a very long way and rarely have panic attacks that cause me to flee... but the urge is still there daily).
Not afraid of the mall.
What I am is a person who gets up Monday through Friday by 7:00 a.m. and arrives at work at 9:00. I am a manager who has to keep it together, make sure projects are assigned, up-to-date, and on time. I am an employee who has to complete other tasks while also doing all that managerial stuff. I am a success. I've done well at work and I am owning that (even though it's really uncomfortable for me to admit it). I've learned to recognize my achievements. I've worked hard and faced new challenges and experiences. Without running away. Well.. not in about 4 years anyway.
I also happen to be a woman who takes two medications every day to control depression, anxiety, and features of OCD (namely, rapid thought processes... it's really annoying). I am a woman who goes to therapy most weeks to talk through the past, present, and future. To work through challenges and then push myself to face to new ones. Sometimes, just to unload when life gets to be too much.
I fight anxiety almost every day, on some level. I've had panic attacks that literally put me in the fetal position. For 4 months of my life, I became unable to live by myself.
Is that all you see?
Stop and think about it. Just a few years ago, I was fighting to get through each day so I could get back in bed. Could I have given up? Yup. I sometimes credit my intolerance for failure (in myself) with getting me out of bed most days and to work when everything was dark, and bleak. But in all reality, does my mental disorder define me? Not even a little. Am I crazy, dangerous, or a threat to society? No.
I talk about my own experience a lot in this blog, because it's the only experience that I have had. If you ever want to share your story, don't hesitate to do so in the comments, start a blog of your own, or even send me something and I will post it here as a guest blogger. I swear I won't take credit for your writing :) Ever.
So, let's cut this shit out and recognize that mental illness does not have to be this taboo thing that we don't talk about. As I've become more open, I've noticed that some people seem uncomfortable just that I am okay with saying "I have to go to therapy, so Tuesday won't work." My journey to better myself and my life is not a negative thing to me. But it sometimes freaks people out. Why? What's so scary about it?
Mental Illness. Mental Disorders. Whatever you want to call it. Are there outliers who can be dangerous to him/herself or others? Yes, there are always outliers. And the more we break the stigma, the more those people can get the help and medical attention they deserve.
How much easier might that be if they didn't feel they would be ostracized for being honest about their struggle? How much easier would the world be if "mental illness" didn't carry a heavy stigma, almost as intense as "murderer"... it's time for it to stop.
How will you break the stigma?
By the way, you can check out Sara Benincasa's sometimes-sad-mostly-hilarious-but-eye-opening memoir here (or at any other bookstore you prefer, probably) - Amazon - Sara Benincasa
If you have heard of agoraphobia but don't really know what it is, you might define it as a person who never leaves the house. Which, in many cases, is true. But not all who don't leave the house are agoraphobic. And not all agoraphobics are house-bound.
I was just discussing exactly that. Suppose you had never met me. Suppose you knew limited details about me. I share with you that I'm a "recovering agoraphobic" (because, let's be honest, I'm proudly kicking it's ass 97% of the time), you may immediately assume that I'm afraid to leave the house and that I can't function without help. If you have very limited knowledge you might think I'm afraid of open spaces and big crowds (the crowd thing is partially true, but by no means one of my top symptoms or characteristics).
You would be wrong. I recently finished the memoir of a woman who suffered from agoraphobia and severe panic disorder. She is now a successful comedienne and, if I remember nothing else about this book, it will be that it's hilarious. As she begins her story, she explains agoraphobia by breaking down the actual etymology of the word agoraphobia. Greek for agora (marketplace) and phobia (fear). And then she breaks it down, for real.
"In simplest terms and most convenient definitions, my psychiatric diagnosis is that I'm afraid of the mall. Which, I can assure you, is untrue."
-Sara Benincasa, "Agorafabulous! Dispatches From My Bedroom"
This simple little line, after inciting a laugh, really resonated with me. I am really not afraid of the mall. Even at the height of my struggle, I wasn't afraid of the mall. I love shopping. Just so long as I drive my own car there and can leave when I want to (note: I've come a very long way and rarely have panic attacks that cause me to flee... but the urge is still there daily).
Not afraid of the mall.
What I am is a person who gets up Monday through Friday by 7:00 a.m. and arrives at work at 9:00. I am a manager who has to keep it together, make sure projects are assigned, up-to-date, and on time. I am an employee who has to complete other tasks while also doing all that managerial stuff. I am a success. I've done well at work and I am owning that (even though it's really uncomfortable for me to admit it). I've learned to recognize my achievements. I've worked hard and faced new challenges and experiences. Without running away. Well.. not in about 4 years anyway.
I also happen to be a woman who takes two medications every day to control depression, anxiety, and features of OCD (namely, rapid thought processes... it's really annoying). I am a woman who goes to therapy most weeks to talk through the past, present, and future. To work through challenges and then push myself to face to new ones. Sometimes, just to unload when life gets to be too much.
I fight anxiety almost every day, on some level. I've had panic attacks that literally put me in the fetal position. For 4 months of my life, I became unable to live by myself.
Is that all you see?
Stop and think about it. Just a few years ago, I was fighting to get through each day so I could get back in bed. Could I have given up? Yup. I sometimes credit my intolerance for failure (in myself) with getting me out of bed most days and to work when everything was dark, and bleak. But in all reality, does my mental disorder define me? Not even a little. Am I crazy, dangerous, or a threat to society? No.
I talk about my own experience a lot in this blog, because it's the only experience that I have had. If you ever want to share your story, don't hesitate to do so in the comments, start a blog of your own, or even send me something and I will post it here as a guest blogger. I swear I won't take credit for your writing :) Ever.
So, let's cut this shit out and recognize that mental illness does not have to be this taboo thing that we don't talk about. As I've become more open, I've noticed that some people seem uncomfortable just that I am okay with saying "I have to go to therapy, so Tuesday won't work." My journey to better myself and my life is not a negative thing to me. But it sometimes freaks people out. Why? What's so scary about it?
Mental Illness. Mental Disorders. Whatever you want to call it. Are there outliers who can be dangerous to him/herself or others? Yes, there are always outliers. And the more we break the stigma, the more those people can get the help and medical attention they deserve.
How much easier might that be if they didn't feel they would be ostracized for being honest about their struggle? How much easier would the world be if "mental illness" didn't carry a heavy stigma, almost as intense as "murderer"... it's time for it to stop.
How will you break the stigma?
By the way, you can check out Sara Benincasa's sometimes-sad-mostly-hilarious-but-eye-opening memoir here (or at any other bookstore you prefer, probably) - Amazon - Sara Benincasa
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