So it's been a year since Lamictal came into my life... or my bloodstream. It has absolutely made a world of difference. This past Christmas, naturally, I feared a repeat of 2012. As winter descended, I did feel down, lower on energy... but the worst way I could describe it was lazy. Not incapable. It was a relief. I could lift my arms and actually do things (this sounds dramatic, but it isn't). I could stand sound around me.
Yet, I was on edge for months. Is it going to happen again? Anytime a "relapse" or even an isolated event occurs, I wonder.. but that's just the fear talking. It's a fear of the past. But I can't change that. All I can do is embrace the present in hopes that it will be different.
I know I've got this now. I know who to call if I'm struggling. I know my safe places and safe people. I know it's okay to have a mental disorder now. It just is what it is. I am not secretive about it, but I don't run around screaming "I HAVE ANXIETY DISORDER, DEPRESSION AND OCD!!!" all the time either. That is not necessary.
That is not what breaking the stigma is about. It's about allowing the struggle (and triumph over) mental disorders and mental illness to be just as important as any other struggle. Any other triumph. Those of us that overcome it (which is a blessing some haven't yet found) and learn to live with it every day.... that's fucking TRIUMPH. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. So the meds might make you feel a little less than yourself. Keep trying until you find the right one. Or the best one. Or maybe you don't need them at all after a while. It's different for every single one of us, and that's what is important to remember. Do not compare yourself to others. We all have our own journeys.
Life is worth living, even when it's terrifying. Even when it breaks you down, and the people in it let you down. But they are fighting their own struggles, and it might not feel okay, but it is. But it's also okay to walk away.
In short, become your own advocate. Stand up for you. Do what's right for you. Take control of your health - be it mental or physical.
If it's meds, fight until you find what's right.
If it's toxic people, let them go.
And by the way, the people that let you back in after you disappear? They are the keepers. For those in my life, you know who you are.
Until next time, loves. Keep fighting.
#breakthestigma
#iwannaseeyoubebrave
