The phrase "when depression hits" came to mind a few moments ago, and I decided to sit down at the laptop and write, which I rarely do, despite the thoughts that constantly swarm inside my mind. The thing about depression, though, is that more often than not, it doesn't "hit" at all. It creeps up on you, and if it isn't your first battle, you either start making excuses as to why it's not, in fact, "happening again," or you find comfort in it. I realize this sounds absolutely ridiculous to anyone who hasn't been through it. The truth is, when depression shows up, to someone who has been through it a time or two (or five), while it's painful and soul crushing, it's also familiar. Sometimes, the familiar, even when it's the worst possible familiarity, can be comforting just because we understand it.
This last time around, however, depression really did HIT. The trigger was chemical. I'll try to keep the background brief: Celexa in doses over 40mg has been known to cause abnormal heart rhythms. This resulted in revised guidelines for Celexa a couple of years ago. I found out about this recently and since I was taking 60mg per day, at the time, I decided it was worth trying something new. If I have to go through a med change, might as well really give it a shot right? Ok, let's try Brintellix. Effective for treatment resistant people with low tolerance for side effects. Not effective for me.
I did a one month trial of a lower Celexa dose with Wellbutrin because insurance companies don't like to pay for expensive drugs if they don't have to. That wasn't effective enough. So then I got to try Brintellix. I gave it a solid month. I really wanted it to work.
Depression manifests differently for different people. I would venture to say that no two experiences are the same. For me, I often experience high levels of irritability and an extremely short fuse. I have had two major experiences where this was my dominant symptom. I have also had a bout of depression where it was all I could do to go to work and keep my job. Hell, it was all I could do to lift an arm to get the TV remote.
This time, though, it started with the irritability and impatience. The things that would set me off are still things that I might find mildly annoying, hurtful, frustrating, etc. on any other day. During the transition, when I was reducing Celexa while simultaneously increasing Brintellix, I started feeling pretty good. I thought this might actually work. Then I stopped the Celexa. That's when I became more and more fragile. The smallest thing unglued me. It would feel like electrical charges were racing through my veins. I would simultaneously have these bursts of anger. I wanted to punch things, and throw things, and scream. Then, before long, I would start to cry, feeling so hopeless and incapable of doing even the most ordinary chore like house work.
I was supposed to start a new class six weeks ago. The pre-work was simply to read chapters and prepare notes/talking points for in-class discussions. I couldn't do it. I couldn't get through a paragraph without distraction or feeling overwhelmed. Then I would begin to think about all the work ahead for the next six weeks. I know I'm a strong student. I always have been. I give it my best shot, even when the class is less than fulfilling. I could not bring myself to get through those two chapters. The idea of going to class that first night seemed impossible. So, as much as it made me feel like a failure to do it, I withdrew from that particular session. I took the last six weeks off so I could get back to myself. I'm glad I did it but I have had mixed feelings about it, and I'm actually embarrassed to admit it here, but painting the picture of what mental illness really is takes precedence over my own little bit of shame. So there it is.
Depression is more than feeling sad. It's more than feeling tired. It's one of those things that seems so impossible to explain now that I'm on the other side of it. Of course, when I was in the throes of it, I thought about writing about it about 10 times, but couldn't bring myself to get up to do it.
As if the irritability and near total lack of energy isn't enough, there are also the thoughts in your head telling you you are not good enough, you are a failure; you are not worthy of love, respect; you can't even get out of bed sometimes. What kind of loser can't get up in the morning? Just get it together, already; You're about to be 33 years old, just be responsible and get to work on time and stop slacking. I mean work is like the one thing you are good at, it's not like you're ever going to find someone to spend your life with. And kids? Ha, like you can even handle raising a kid, you can barely take care of yourself. You would probably have panic attacks like all the time.
Do I believe some of those things about myself even when I'm well? Maybe on a bad day. Even when you know it's depression, it still seems so logical and real. Your brain just conjures up every negative thing you've ever thought about yourself and even some you have never thought of. And you can't get away from it. It's not like you can take a break from your brain.
That. That is depression.
p.s. Obviously, Brintellix was not the drug for me. That doesn't mean it doesn't work for others. I am in no way saying that it's not a good drug. I can't say what is or isn't right for anyone else out there. So, back on Celexa I went, only this time my doctor added Abilify. I'm actually feeling a little TOO good, with more energy than I have time to burn. So the dose might be a smidge high, but that's something I can deal with and experiment with using my doctor's guidance. I'll take too happy over feeling virtually incapacitated any day.
